not terrified

the whirlwind has begun

may 15-17 see brother and kelly

may 17-21 meet aidan, see sister and vern

may 22 work my arse off

may 23-27 go to tennessee and the ham to see old friends and watch some get married

june finish work

july 1-9 fam vaca

july 14 peace out, o-town

yeah - weird huh. i am now balancing living very present, with not forgetting the things i've learned and built in the past with preparing my heart and mind for the future (and bank acct - which is empty. i shamelessly plug i still need $9000). so ta-daaa. here we go. i feel like it's time to say we're not in kansas anymore (a quote i can't rightfully use- i've never even watched wizard of oz). i couldn't be more ready to put my tender heart in a blender, watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion. rendezvous. 

that's what these next 2 months are. moment after moment of rendezvous. god bless my friends and family. i'm soaking you up as best i can.

terrified

geeenerally, if you talked to me about moving, the general discussion would display a general feeling of excitement, the facts about me going and me smiling ear to ear.
tonight i'm terrified. i have $1,000 of $10,000 raised, our country is in recession and people feel less inclined to spend money on everything, let alone support for me.
i have 2 months left here and am still wondering what the delicate balance is between living present here and preparing for the future.
i had a few people very important to me last week express kind of their "un-support" asking if me not having money was a sign from God i wasn't supposed to go.
which leads me to stress and terror in the sense that i haven't really felt in i don't know how long. i don't think anyone meant to lead my insides to a place of fear, but, alas, i am human.

this is where my life has led. my desires to travel, learn God, learn people, search out my dreams and passions more. and at status tonight, i had to remember that there have been lillies for thousands of years and i'll make it just fine.

however, i am still terrified. there is lots of work to finish, places to go, conversations to have, things to accomplish i guess.

so there's that... there's that. tomorrow i'm sure my emotions will be back to normal-ish. but i thought i'd share a little that this trip also is not just the most energizing, life-impacting, severe, exciting decision i've made... it's also very much real and very much scary.