i wish i could

i want to hug my big sister

i want to play with aidan

i want to laugh at sarah beth

i want to drink coffee with josh and craft with kelly

i want my mom to scratch my back

i want my dad to teach us something bc he loves it

i want to hear vernon laugh at something ridiculous i or sarah-bizzle does

i want to watch twigs clean her room and then watch some crappy (but amazing) movie with b

i want to kiss my boyfriend

i want to drop by the house where jenna and kate and jenn are and find random people i know and lots of new faces that i hug because i can

i want to have a clove and coffee with alecia

i want to have dinner and discussions and arguments with john and shawn and then play mario kart

i want to hear blanco play music

i want to lay out with the quin and then play fing-o

i want to hug jess stephens

i want to sit on karen morgan's desk

i want to laugh at liz's awkwardness before we go dance the night away

i want to watch the soup and drink wine with jans and sarah b and end up dreaming about something big

i want to sit at jess grose's house after the farmer's market and talk the day away

i want to go to midnight mass with c-bell and hug her

i want to dance with roby - lawn mower-style

i want to shake my head at the jew and hear his passion for something and look at wedding stuff hester has picked out

i want to meet the new addition to the horton family and the soto family

i want to visit and laugh to the point of tears with court and jules and kate

i want to see caroline and misha's new home and life

i want to spend the night with josh and ashole

i want to rub mist's prego belly and giggle

i want to meet ben's family and be friends with his friends

i want to go to the beach and to a gator game 

there are lots of things i want and lots of people i miss terribly. being at the rescue just made me frustrated that i don't speak the language well enough to go talk to the groups of people writing letters. i hated not being able to help them write and think and ask them why they were there and what they would do with their new knowledge. how would this movement carry on for them personally? i wanted to help tyna organize it and take some of the burden off of her. i couldn't. bean and i both hated the feeling. that event combined with the fact that i had real-life ben for 10 days culminated into a booming and unsatisfied desire of home. i miss all of it. and i miss it a lot. there hasn't been many times when i have missed it this intensely. but the past couple of weeks, i feel bored, lonely, sad, weak. i'm trying to embrace the emotion a little - because at least it means i feel. 

but i'm also pissed. 

because in approximately 3 months, i won't be able to miss those things - i will be back in america and surrounded by all of them. and then i will miss the streets of ostrava, the vibrant colors of spring, the kids talking on trams "pristi zastavka, marianske namesti", my students, my community here, being able to tune out 80% of the world, because simply, i don't understand what people are saying. i will miss .5 liter radegast and chocolate, i will miss laura's humor and jonna's ridiculousness. i will miss ashley's kindness and luke's gentleness. i will miss nathan and lucie's constant desire to help us and hospitality. i will miss adam's dreams and zuzka's smile. i will miss monday catch-up convos with eva and i will miss monday's pub class to an extreme degree. i will miss english club and wednesdays with petra. i will miss trains and trams. i will miss prague. i will miss the weird family which is ESI. i will miss the amazing dinners i share each monday with the girls. i will miss all the conversations and crappy movies bean and i have enjoyed. i will miss lots and lots and lots. 

lots of things i miss about america will never again be reality - because people and situations change, develop, grow apart, move away. lots of my life here will never again happen - because i live in ostrava, czech republic. 

is life really just a constant cycle of contentment and discontenment, desire, dream, reality, disappointment and joy. i guess. but - if you are in america right now - know that i miss you deeeeeeply. and i will be back soon and plan on fulfilling all of the above dreams. 

invisible children and missing people

so... once upon a time in my life, i had learned how to become virtually emotionless. deciding that this was not the path i wanted my soul to take, i made decisions to become more human again - allow emotions, allow my heart to beat for passions i had lost, etc - invisible children, the rough cut, was the first thing i saw post-decision and the first time i realized i still had a heart for injustice - that was in 2006.

after a couple of months in ostrava, i noticed that there didn't seem to be many "causes" people could attach to - granted - i know a very small portion of the population and know even less of

 the language, so i really have a biased judgment of the culture - but, it felt very contrasted to orlando which was constantly flooded by cause after cause, injustices piled upon one another. orlando is goodwill for causes, of sorts - it's cool while it's trendy and some people will keep that plaid shirt forever, others will wear the shirt for a while, then  give it to thrift and move on to the next trendy injustice -- it's then up to you to sort through the racks and piles of causes and organizations, worn and left behind by others, try them on, see which one suits you, and leave with a greater purpose. i, myself have tried on caribbean poverty, human trafficking in thailand, feeding the homeless and more. i still don't know which i want to pursue. i think it's ok to take your time deciding. but - you shouldn't try on forever. the thing is, the more injustices you become aware of, the more apathetic you can become. there are just too many, there is just too little you can do, there isn't enough time or money, etc. OR you can embrace it - embrace one or 2 that make your heart go boom, boom, pow and then run with it - which is what invisible children is - an organization where 3 young men saw an injustice far bigger than themselves and far beyond their reach and they walked out with it on - and made and organization that is beautiful. i wanted to help bring that organization here. i wanted ostrava to have the chance to try on another cause and see if it fits. but - i am lazy and don't speak czech and didn't try too hard. luckily for me, tyna wanted to bring it here as well. her and her schoolmates decided this would be their project for a class - to put on a screening event. tyna heard i am a big fan of IC and asked if i wan

ted to help - yes, of course. 

my help included brainstorming with her, deciding to do the Rescue in our city and speaking for .2 at the events with a translator. she, the rockstar that she is, along with her friends pulled off several screenings over the course of 3 weeks or so - in high schools and cafes and began to spread the word about this injustice, that in my opinion, ostrava is hungry for. 

so the Rescue was on April 25 -- including a walk through the City Center and down streets to the Town Hall. We spent the evening writing letters to politicians, 

creating art, hanging out, hoping that ostrav-ites would wake up to the injustice happening in the world around them. about 80 people came out - which was beyond incredible. and about 10 of us stayed til dawn. 

so - here's some pics (taken by the one and only gina dimarcantonio)

... and that leads me to the next blog... 

well it's been a while

march. and april. march was spent 

---- visiting Prague twice - once with Bean and Mr. and Mrs. D and once with Bean for her birthday and then for the boys birthday that live there. Both those Prague experiences were way fun, because we got to stay actually in town, walking distance from all the best parts. 

---- cursing out the cold 

---- anticipating easter break which was the next big travel week for me and the week ben phillips would come. ben is one of the newest additions in sass world and one of the greatest causes of joy. 

so march ended. april came and brought with it blooming trees and gardens, green fields, better attitudes and the city of ostrava came to life. i had no idea so many people lived here :) beer gardens, parks, sandboxes and the city center are all bustling with new faces that had previously been locked up in hibernation.

easter came and brought my boyfriend. i showed him the city beautiful - praha, vien - the city of art and class and then we got to do budapest - the city of life. i feel like most cities i've been able to pinpoint certain things to it - budapest was different... it just felt alive, but no word or stereotype or classification suits it. maybe it's because it's spring or maybe it's because it's budapest. i'm not really sure. but the pubs and cafes and restaurants were good. the city was better seen on a bike. parliament and the palace were architecturally magnificent, as always. seeing friends from ESI was fantastic. the baths were large and fun. the night buses were lame.  proving that ben was real was exciting. we got to go on our first real date. we got to hold hands. we got to learn how to push each other's buttons. you know - all the standard relationship things. 

after that trip - ben came back with me here and got to see home-life - classes, students, friends, ostrava, etc. then back to prague so we could hang with his lifelong friend john and his wife and their friend. then he left. pics from all those shenanigans are above...