hm. still going

todaaaay- i got shafted bc i'm moving to europe. that's a weird thing... for someone to get to know me less bc of my decision to leave america. funny thing - it didn't at all make me want to stay in america- it made me want to leave tomorrow rather than 3 weeks from tomorrow. se la vi.

 i went to jax this weekend and it was full of laughs and memories and convos and the beach and eating and stories... and at the end of the day - i still felt closure. a sense of wanting to leave what is in my life now and explore what lies ahead - which is much more than my mind and comprehension knows. 

i close doors i can and open ones i can, but i like that God still throws in curve balls, even 3 weeks before departure, that just wreck my little mind and cause me to remember that He is in control and He is writing my story and however lame i feel it is... it is.

soooooo all this (all this vague talk) leads me to a few points... 

1. i don't like mandates and i will do all i can to switch them. if  life circumstances end up a certain way - fine, but don't give me a mandate on how you think they should end up before trying them (foooor example. we are not allowed to "date" outside of our culture within the cz. totally fine. i probably wouldn't in the first place - however, my 23 year old reaction is "i do what i want. don't teellll meeee i can't date. i chooooose not to. you don't tell me not to date". and yes, i will follow the mandate bc of a contract, but my attitude toward it is sketch). same thing with choices those have made around me. i don't like them, don't necessarily agree (however right they may be), so i may... just may... spend 3 weeks trying to change them.

2. i'm a big fan of risk. which i learned today- most people are not. they sided with - well, not me. their side included - protection, safety, lack of emotional tie, etc... blah blah blah. you learn from the challenges and negativity and poor choices in life. i've learned a whole damn lot about life from the bad choices i've made and the hard ones. and while good choices and wise choices may be easier and i'm sure full of intelligence and lessons learned, however, they are certainly not as fun.

3. get me out of orlando

4. risk is worth it

5. respect and selfless love is something i still need to work on

6. sometimes i can't escape the rash thoughts of a girl

tomorrow the sun will shine. tonight. it's kind of dull

ask and ye shall receive?

that's what i've heard at least... let's talk about this concept of "ask" for a minute. i don't like it. not one bit. i would rather be self-supportive and self-sufficient and independent and every word that describes what it takes to make it alone. bc i feel then, like i'm not burdening others or living off of what others make, earn, hear, are taught... and i feel a sense of accomplishment... and a sense of revelation - ie - if i learn on my own or do it on my own, i'm the only one to credit or to blame for praise or failure - either end of the spectrum. and i like to know i can think for myself. 

however, Christ lived and taught differently. therefore, i'm trying to embrace the fact that i actually need $8000 more dollars after 100 "asking" letters have already gone out and am asking more and again and asking friends and family and strangers to help me go to do what God has called me to do. bc that's what the church is for, right? so if i say that i believe in the church that began in acts, then i'm saying that i believe in supporting the needs of my brothers and sisters and trust that they believe the same thing. 

so just so i'm aware and you're aware and we're all aware here. thanks for letting me ask you to support me. thanks for supporting me. it's a big deal for me to ask. i don't like it. 

a year and a half ago, i had to ask my parents for forgiveness. that conversation took me 2 months to work up the courage to have. last spring and summer i had to learn how to have conversations surrounding conflict and since "learning" basics of what conflict is and why it exists (which are thoughts for another conversation), i have had to had several confrontational chats ever since. and so now i feel this conversation of me asking for money from people is another point on the growing up triangle or hexagon or octagon that i am forming in my life and i am not taking it lightly that alot of issues i have with asking stem from pride and an overly independent nature. 

so - you may have been asked personally or semi-personally or maybe through a friend. and please consider my ask with thought and prayer and diligence. it's for the greater good of humankind that i am going... bc not going would be going against myself, my faith, my passion, my friend.

people keep asking how i feel about leaving in a month.... i feel READY